Coaching: Thoughts and Ramblings

Parents are subjective; coaches are objective . . . therein lies the major dilemma that has confronted athletes, parents, relatives, and friends of the aforementioned for as long as anyone wishes to consider. 

Commonly these days, I am asked if I miss coaching.  My response is mixed: "Sometimes, yea; sometimes, nah."  To establish a sense of credibility, I coached athletics for thirty-five years including freshman, junior varsity, and varsity basketball; middle school track; and junior high and varsity assistant football. In addition, I observed our two daughters participate in various sports throughout their lives.  Having mentioned those points, I have experienced many situations that have allowed me to feel somewhat credible in making my observations. With that said, here we go:

*Please refer to the first sentence, first paragraph:  Coaches and parents are seldom going to be on the same page.  Parents have watched their kids' involvement in organized sports, perhaps before the kids even began attending school.  From those experiences, those same parents oftentimes have developed a strong belief that their kids are (A) really good; (B) not being treated fairly by their coaches; or (C) average athletes.  I suppose a (D), (E), or (F) could be added, but I will go with my three.  Many parents are former athletes, thus inspiring their kids to emulate them if at all possible; others have never played much organized sports, yet their expertise is still sometimes shared.  Somewhere in the equation, we establish that our kids' performances may have a direct connection to us--if our kids are lazy, then everyone will think we as parents are, too; likewise, if kids perform consistently well, then as parents, we will be viewed in the same positive light. 

As those same kids develop, however, a whole bunch of different scenarios arise--kids center their lives around sports and make their whole identity as athletes, kids continue involvement because they realize sports can be a social magnet helping bring popularity, or kids sometimes continue simply because they love the sports they play; on the other hand, kids run from sports because they tire of the pressure exerted by parents and coaches, kids simply tire of the time commitments, or, most frequently, kids cannot accept their roles on a team.  My point is as the kids grow and mature into high school athletes, so many changes can occur . . . and so often parents refuse to accept what those changes are. As a high school coach, I have had many, many confrontations with parents who have been determined to convince me that I am the reason their children have not been able to achieve the athletic success they envision.  The common refrain, of course, has almost always been that "you never give him a chance."  I have always tried to rationalize that statement, but, unfortunately, I have never been able to do so:  I watch practice every day, I watch the kids compete against each other in drills and live competition, I watch video tape, and I observe nonverbal practice behavior on a daily basis . . . none of which the parents have been able to do. In short, my job as a coach is to remain as objective as I possibly can--I cannot be influenced if a certain kid's parents are my friends or a certain kid has a particular name.  I have to be objective . . .I still recall a parent calling me on the phone accusing me of playing a certain kid--not his--because the other kid's parents were friends of mine; little did that dad realize that just a week earlier I had heard the same comment from the other kid's parent about my not playing his kid for the same reason! My question:  Why would a coach deliberately sabotage a kid?  Fortunately, that is not how it works.  A coach's job involves many aspects, but one of them is certainly not how can I screw this kid over.  I suppose I could repeat that numerous times and many will still not believe me, but my truth, again, is that a coach has many responsibilities . . . but a key one is determining who is going to provide the team the best chance to perform well  . . . objectively, not subjectively.

*Coaching provides a tremendous connection with kids.  Looking back, I can easily say that my greatest satisfaction in coaching has been the relationships that I have created.  Kids can sometimes be frustrating, but, most frequently, they put a smile on my face.  When a team is together as much as a high school sport demands, it is inevitable that a mutual respect will probably emerge--I didn't say that the relationship will always be happy, but the chances of the relationship being enduring are quite strong.  Interacting with kids in ways that a typical classroom environment cannot provide allows coaches to see kids in a world unknown to most teachers . . . and from that both players and coaches know each other much more in-depth.  I would not trade those relationships for anything--winning provides a wonderful feeling, and oftentimes an overripe ego, but the rapport with and memories of those kids mean far more.

*One of the hardest parts of coaching is the disciplining that often must be done.  Like parents who must keep their children in line, so do coaches.  While in-home discipline can often be kept within the family, coaching discipline is often played out in public and frequently discussed among the locals. Every coach has to draw a proverbial line in the sand, but that same coach realizes that each kid is different; I am convinced that many observers believe that all rules must be enforced exactly as they are written, to the letter . . . sounds good, but good luck with that.  Each kid is wired differently--one may be high strung, one may be able to accept criticism, one may be threatened by any criticism, one may need an arm around his shoulder, one may need explanation away from his teammates . . . the list goes on, but my point should be clear.  It is easy from a distance to say this or that should have been done, but understanding each situation and reacting accordingly is the key.  Coaching is teaching, in the event that is forgotten.  When we teach, we must accept that kids are not all the same, and neither are they in coaching.  However, sometimes discipline must be enforced, and when that happens, most frequently the reaction will be split:  some will say it was fair, some will say the kid is being picked on, and some will say that the punishment should have been more severe.  Bottom line is that the coach has to make a decision, accepting that his choice is going to be met with polarized responses.

*To be a coach, one prerequisite is to have thick skin, realizing that being criticized is part of the game--deserved or not.  Our society takes sports quite seriously, and, as a result, we coaches must accept that others are going to frequently have different views than we do.  Over the years, I have learned to keep my thoughts guarded, to do my job the way I feel it should be done, to "keep my friends close and my enemies even closer." Coaching has cost me friendships--while it is not an everyday occurrence, I certainly have encountered people who will turn their backs to me when they see me, who will refuse to respond when I say hello, and who will simply refuse to even look at me.  While today I laugh at the pettiness of those reactions, I realize that most of the time those individuals have targeted me as the cause of their kids' lack of success or their kids' lack of talent. In short, they have someone to blame; if that person happens to be me, so be it. 

*The responsibility of being a coach is immense--coaches frequently become a "face" in a community, good or bad.  Recognizing and accepting this is important because we become visible to a whole bunch of people, whether we realize it or not.  Establishing a reputation is part of the spinoff from coaching--people notice us, providing yet another opportunity for opinions to be made.  It is easy to describe coaches as arrogant, and many of us are, but the truth is that most coaches are guarded, as described previously.  I have always prided myself on staying away from parents, for example, because I realize that at some point I am going to make them mad.  Thus, when I walk into Buehler's or WalMart, I try my best to get what I need and get out of there--getting cornered to discuss why a kid is not playing in a basketball game is not what I envision when I enter a grocery store, but I know that it might happen.  In addition, many times people just want to get to know us--they see us coaching but do not know us beyond that arena.  Those conversations are quite welcomed--I have learned that coaches must appreciate their elevated roles within a school.

*A beauty of coaching is "connecting the dots"; just like someone putting together a puzzle, coaches welcome the challenge of matching their players' strengths and weaknesses, combining them into a finished product.  When the pieces fit, the picture often is what we would describe as "beautiful"--we cut, paste, and refine the parts until we get the product we desire--I do really miss that, I must confess.

*Time to bring all these ramblings together:  Coaching is an extremely rewarding profession that dominates a person's life.  The emotional ups and downs that accompany it provide a stress that can easily age someone before his or her time; the rewards of winning and building relationships are immeasurable; the gut-wrenching stab of losing can lower one's self-esteem, make the coach question his or her priorities, and often lead to physical health issues.  So, in answer to the question of "Do I miss coaching?" my response is actually quite simple:  My life is much more peaceful these days because I am no longer on the emotional roller coaster of coaching; I miss the camaraderie with fellow coaches/players and the competition, but I am sleeping full nights without much interruption.  When I see former players, I am greeted by handshakes and hugs . . . what those kids don't really appreciate just yet is that those gestures have made it all worthwhile . . . that was the true beauty of coaching for me. 

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